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Boundaries, and what they actually are

Not walls, not punishments, and not instructions for other people.

5 min read · Boundaries

A boundary is information about what you can and cannot do. It is not a rule you impose on somebody else, and it is not a way of getting them to change.

Rigid, healthy, porous

Three kinds of boundaryThree fences side by side. A rigid wall with no openings, safe but lonely. A healthy fence with a gate that opens and closes on purpose. A porous fence with large gaps, connected but depleting.RigidNothing gets in.Safe, and lonely.HealthyA gate you openand close on purpose.PorousEverything gets in.Connected, and depleted.A boundary is not a wall and it is not a punishment.It is information about what you can and cannot do.
Rigid, healthy and porous boundaries

A rigid boundary keeps everything out: safe, and lonely. A porous one lets everything in: connected, and depleting. A healthy one is a gate you open and close on purpose, differently with different people.

Most of us are not uniformly one thing. We tend to be rigid in some relationships and porous in others, and the pattern is worth knowing.

Boundary or control

"I'll leave if the shouting starts" is a boundary — it describes what you will do. "You must stop shouting" is a request; reasonable, but not yours to enforce.

The difference matters because only one of them is within your power to keep.

Guilt after saying no is usually proof that it is unfamiliar, not proof that it was wrong.